By Adam Telesz
Spring is finally here in Youngstown. Colorful flowers are starting to sprout, the birds are singing beautiful harmonies in the trees, March showers are here to wash away all of the dead leaves on the ground and now that you finally have enough vitamin D to start experiencing feelings again, you may start think, “Damn, I have to find a lover.”
Does the thought of eye contact fill you with terminal anxiety? Does the mere mention of having to share a personal connection with someone make you wish you were never even born? Well, do not fret, fellow Jambar reader, Dr. Adam is here to give you the unsolicited advice you need to boost your confidence and overcome the self-inflicted sexistential crisis before it begins.
Delete your Tinder: Okay, I am aware that this seems like advice that will make your chances of acquiring a squeeze much harder, and you may be asking yourself, “How am I going to ever meet that special someone without hundreds of uninterested people to pick from?”
I am going to introduce a radical concept that I have been developing for 23 years — just go talk to them. This is a gargantuan challenge for someone who struggles with the social anxiety involved with speaking to someone that they find desirable. So, here’s a secret: Tell yourself nothing really matters anyway — or better yet, gaslight yourself into thinking this is the universe’s way of challenging you, and the negative feelings begin to slip away.
Ladies, that guy with the tantalizing tattoos in your statistics course that you have been thinking about, approach him after class and use this template, “Hello, my name is [insert name]. How did you feel about that last assignment? She barely even covered the material!”
You are already experiencing the same monotonous life circumstances, why not use that as an opener? This leads into my next advice, and quite possibly the most important — common ground.
Quit initiating the stop-and-chat: Do you often see someone walking across campus that you have a crush on and want to approach? Do you ever get the feeling that you should ask out that barista who always smiles at you when you pay for your coffee? Don’t. In both circumstances, they are either busy or being paid to be nice to you, and absolutely nobody feels comfortable being socially ambushed.
Instead, you will have to participate in the most dreaded concept of all: going outside. In order to find common ground with someone, you have to participate in society and go to places or events where people will share similar interests. That fashionable woman with bangs that goes and sees the same bands as you? Make a move. That handsome guy who is in the Squirrel Watching Club with you? Ask him if he wants to watch squirrels together … alone. Find common ground, make eye contact, be friendly, stand up straight and make a move. Oh, and when you do, don’t be a creep, that never helps.
Move to Latvia: Fellas, if you have followed these simple steps and are still coming up empty handed, move to Latvia. There are approximately two to three women for every one man and this is bound to lead to something down the road.