Millennial Apology Note

By Gino DiGuilio

I am a millennial. And I am truly sorry about it. I am a millennial; I suck and I know it. I’m self-centered, entitled, narcissistic, lazy and immature to top it all off. Did I mention that I am extremely sorry about that? This comment doesn’t go for just me — I am almost 100 percent positive that any young adult could agree with me on this.

We’re the worst. If only we could be more like our parents. The baby boomers, y’all were great! You gave us great music, ‘60s counter culture, psychedelic drugs and great movies too! We can’t forget about Jurassic Park. It was awesome; good job with that one; snaps for you.

We don’t know what happened! You raised us to believe we were special. In fact, you raised us to believe that we were so special that we didn’t even have to do anything of substance to earn recognition. I remember being little — and I am sure others can vouch for me on this one — and receiving a cute little trophy for just existing while playing elementary school club soccer. That right there is pretty special if you ask me.

We have no idea what went wrong! But, you tried your best. Don’t be so down on yourself.

You insisted that we all go to college, and now, we are the most “educated” generation in American history. Sure, college costs have increased by an estimated 600 percent since you went to college. The economics section of The New York Times tells us that yes, we average about $30,000 or more in student loan debt, but here we go again making excuses. We are just so lazy. Damn this generation of ours!

Instead of living in our parents’ basements and waiting tables or obtaining other worthless, low paying jobs, we should just go and get real jobs. Like you did! I mean, not a job in manufacturing, since all of those jobs got out sourced in the ‘90s. … Man the ‘90s were great! Do you guys remember Full House? Cue theme music montage — such a good show.

We graduated into a recession, and, according to The Washington Times, 90 percent of the jobs created since 2009 by our wonderful government are part time — but let’s be honest, we just don’t like hard work. Hey, what was the deal with that recession anyway? Didn’t it have something to do with the housing bubble that started in the ‘90s? I don’t know, I was still pretty young back in those days…

Oh, and we are really sorry about messing up those two wars you guys started. Sorry so many of our friends died for you. Our generation just cannot seem to do anything right! I am really sorry that this generation sucks so much.

It’s not like we jacked up college tuition prices, or destroyed the manufacturing industry, started two quagmire wars, obliterated the unions, wrecked the global economy and left our offspring with an environmentally devastated planet, stripped of its natural resources. Man, wouldn’t it be crazy if there were a generation that recklessly awful, huh? Just imagine what the world would be like today.

But we do text too much. Eh, kids these days. What are you gonna do?

So on behalf of the all the millennial’s out there, I would sincerely like to apologize on being so absolutely horrible and destructive. From now on, we will try to act just like the baby boomers, because let’s not kid ourselves — you guys nailed it.