I’m tired of coming up with headlines


It’d be easy to look back over three years at The Jambar and dwell on all the mistakes I’ve made. It’d be even easier to celebrate all of my achievements — pretty sure no columnist has ever risen to editor-in-chief.

But that’s not how I’ll judge and remember my time here.

I’ve learned more in the basement of Fedor Hall, than anywhere else I’ve ever been. Even my worst days here were some of the best of my life, because I had a purpose. And that purpose was carried out alongside my family.

It wasn’t always easy, and it wasn’t always fun. But it was always good.

I know I’m not the easiest person to work with, and I want to thank everyone who stuck around.

But you jokers had it easy. You only had to put up with my shenanigans. I had to put up with all of yours.

“Chris, my story’s gonna be late, because I didn’t start it until this afternoon.”

“Chris, I called my source once three weeks ago, and they still haven’t gotten back to me.”

“Chris, I didn’t know I needed quotes in my story.”

When I was hard on you, it was because I knew you were capable of great things.

But now that it’s all said and done, I love everyone who has ever set foot in The Jambar office because we were all part of the same machine.

No matter what happens, I want you all to remember that you were part of something great. The stories, photos and design weren’t always great, but we were.

Although new staffs will come and go, and our names will be lost along the way, I will never forget any of you.

Starting with Mary Beth: I love you. Not like the way I love cupcakes. I mean, I want to marry you and have your babies. I wish I were ten years older and a foot taller, because I would have given Adam a run for his money. He still would have won because he’s way cooler, but I would have tried.

You are one of the strongest and most valiant people I have ever met. You always speak your mind, and you’re usually right about everything.

I couldn’t have done this job without you here to encourage, inspire and tell me when I was being too much of a jerk.

Your advice was always golden, and your tactics were always exactly what I needed.

Thank you.

Jordan: You’re a tremendous tool, and you dress like you’re waiting for your own funeral, but you can be cool sometimes too. If there were an ass-kissing Olympics, you’d take gold in every event.

But seriously, these last three years wouldn’t have been the same without you. We were colleagues, became friends and now are brothers.

Whether you do something noble like journalism or sell out like the establishment lackey that you are, I know you’ll be awesome.

Emmalee: I know you better than anyone else I’ve met here, and I’m a better person for it. Your attention to detail and dedication to organization haven’t rubbed off on me, but your passion for truth and love of drunken karaoke most definitely have.

And when (not if) you become editor of the AP S7p tylebook, you have to change that ridiculous rule about being blue with anger.

I’d wish you the best in everything, but I know you’ll take care of that on your own. Don’t ever settle for anything less than you deserve, which is a lot.

Alyssa Lenhoff: If I could choose a second mother, it would be you. Probably no one but my real mother has ever had as much faith in me as you. If I’m even half as awesome as you think I am, then I’ll be the best ever. I’ll do everything I can to make you proud.

Tim: You’d be the second father, but the kind that really loves me even though he pretends not to. Don’t worry. I won’t make you say it. I love you too.

Josh Stipanovich: There were many situations this year when I would think to myself, “What would Josh do?” But then I’d say, “Screw that. This is mine now.”

Just kidding, but not really.

You were my first role model in journalism, which is weird because you’re younger than me, but whatevs. I’m glad that you’re back doing journalism things. It would have been a shame for you to do anything else.

D. H. Livingston: I’ve always said that The Jambar inspired me to become a journalist, and while that’s true, that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t here. You are by far the most talented person I have ever met, even more so than myself. I hope you know how hard it was for me to admit that. So you know I mean it.

Lamar: Remember when you hated me? Yeah, me neither. You’ve always loved me, and you know it. You are a great journalist, leader and all around human being. It would be an honor for me to be your editor-in-chief of the magazine we’re going to start someday. Josh, don’t get salty that I didn’t use those exact words about you. Just know that I consider you both the same person.

Joe: I love you like a younger, taller fatter brother. I always took a special interest in you, because I saw behind your tomfoolery. You are incredible at what you do, and it has been amazing to watch you grow from a goofy sports reporter to a goofy, yet prominent, videographer. I have no doubt that ESPN will be begging for your resume someday.

But I swear to whatever god in whichever heaven, that if you ever hurt Kimber I will make you sorry you were born.

Chelsea Miller: I know I already professed my undying and unrequited love for MB, but I will always consider my unrequited love for you more meaningful. Even though the rest of my colleagues were surprised that you were in the running for an AP award, I was only surprised it took so long.

You ARE smart, and I am finally vindicated. So thanks for that.

Jenna: Um, you’re pretty cool for a hippie. I will miss tossing frisbees with you and our mid-production breaks.

Marissa: You’re totes a super rad chick. I like to think that I helped you become a good writer, but I’m certain that would have happened without any help from anyone.

Thank you for all the hugs. You know I needed them.

Cassy and Josh: You two are the same person now. You’ll need to lean on each other to take on the jackals that you’ve hired to produce content for the paper.

Be bold. Take risks. And remember, you almost can’t get fired. One time, there just wasn’t a Jambar and no one got in trouble. I mean, not really.

Kevin Alquist: You are a cool dude. Don’t forget that.

Kevin Buck: Even though you’re a jerk who didn’t write a goodbye letter, I still think you’re pretty cool. Let’s grab some drinks again before we both move on to bigger things. Notice I didn’t say better.

Paris: You are probably the coolest guy to work at The Jambar, but no one knows it because you spend most of the time sitting in your corner and putting wieners on things.

Steeley Keeley: Stay sassy!

Sam: We’re cool, bro. We’re cool.


Alyssa Italiano: I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller.

Mary Dota: You rock! We’d all starve if you didn’t love us. Never forget that we love you too.

Dan Pompili: You are a crazy bastard, but that’s what makes you Dan Pompili. Miss you, man.

Jeff: Where you been, man? Why aren’t we hanging out, smoking stogies and poppin’ bottles?

Noobs: Good luck next year. I have confidence that you guys will do great, but only because I have no other choice. It’s either that or worry about you guys screwing up. I choose the first one.

This job can be overwhelming sometimes, but even more rewarding. There will come a time when you think that you can’t handle it, and you should just give up.

Some of you will, but those who remain will know what I mean when I say that working at The Jambar, and in journalism, have become the defining roles of my life. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

If I left anyone out, it’s not because you don’t matter. It’s because there are only fifteen minutes until deadline and we still have to celebrate. Goodbye and good luck to you all.

OMG, I almost forgot Murch!

Murch: Righteous beard, man. Righteous beard.

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