By Mario Ricciardi
Usually when someone reads a column of mine, they are reading the fully formed thoughts of a resolute Mario Ricciardi. This is not the case at the moment. I know, I know. Just please try to keep your composition — odds are you’re in public. I can’t have my readers looking like crazy people. My job is already at risk enough because opinion columns allegedly aren’t real news.
Why the lapse in this current piece? Well, timeframe is everything in this case. I am writing this on Feb. 23, a full night before the awards ceremony. This article will discuss who I think deserves Oscar statuettes at the prestigious 2019 Academy (rich-white-talented by exclusivity) event. Before you comment, I only wrote the in-parentheses text so in 15 years when I’m tapped to host the 2034 Oscars, this can be dug up and controversy can be stirred.
Why stir up controversy? Well, controversy leads to publicity and publicity leads to more marketability and more marketability means attention from big studios. Therefore, I will get the offer to direct my “Superman” reboot dream project circa 2035.
OK, I got off topic. To be clear I am writing this on Saturday, Feb. 23. The Oscars aren’t until tomorrow night. I am writing this from the past. Why should you readers care about predictions that have already been proven true or false? Don’t you want to see an unedited, unabridged account of my successes and more pressingly, my failures? People love to see a hero fall after right?
Let’s get to it.
Best Picture:
- “Black Panther”
- “BlacKkKlansman”
- “Bohemian Rhapsody”
- “Roma”
- “Green Book” – So, there are a lot of critics who didn’t like this film for a number of reasons. I really enjoyed it so I want to pick this film to declare my stance against the grain.
- “A Star is Born”
- “Vice”
Best Director:
- Alfonso Cuaron (“Roma”)
- Yorgos Lanthimos (“The Favourite”)
- Spike Lee (“BlacKkKlansman”)
- Adam McKay (“Vice”)
- Paweł Pawlikowski (“Cold War”) – I originally thought it’d be Alfonso, but Pawel’s name is infinitely harder to spell and that’s usually a pretty good indicator for this category.
Best Actress:
- Yalitza Aparicio (“Roma”)
- Glenn Close (“The Wife”) – It literally came down to the fact that she won all the other awards at all the other things.
- Olivia Colman (“The Favourite”)
- Lady Gaga (“A Star is Born”)
- Melissa McCarthy (“Can You Ever Forgive Me?”)
Best Actor:
- Christian Bale (“Vice”) – All you need to do is Google Image search “Christian Bale Dick Cheney transformation.” I’m sorry, Rami.
- Bradley Cooper (“A Star is Born”)
- Willem Dafoe (“At Eternity’s Gate”)
- Rami Malek (“Bohemian Rhapsody”)
- Viggo Mortensen (“Green Book”)
Best Animated Feature:
- “Incredibles 2”
- “Isle of Dogs”
- “Mirai”
- “Ralph Breaks the Internet”
- “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” – I’m judging this off of the trailer (I actually haven’t seen this one yet) and the fact that they made the entire film in Photoshop.
Best Original Song:
- “All the Stars” (“Black Panther”)
- “I’ll Fight” (“RBG”)
- “The Place Where Lost Things Go” (“Mary Poppins Returns”)
- “Shallow” (“A Star is Born”) – This is low key a shout-out to my mom. “Shallow” is the only song Alexa is ever playing in our house anymore. Hi, mom.
- “When a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for wings” (“The Ballad of Buster Scruggs”)
So, let’s see how this all pans out tomorrow night. Catch you in the future, future readers — and future Mario.
