Super Sunday madness

By Matthew Sotlar

Super Bowl LVIII will take place Sunday Feb. 11, and for those who do not read Roman numerals, that’s Super Bowl 58. That’s right, the 58th Super Bowl. This game has been around since before man was on the moon. 

The Kansas City Chiefs will go up against the San Francisco 49ers. Let’s analyze the game closely.

First off, let me put on my tinfoil hat and drop my conspiracy theory. There is no way this game is not set up to highlight Taylor Swift in some way. She’s dating the Chiefs’ tight end, Travis Kelce. How many of you knew what position he played before he was dating Swift? Don’t lie.

Alright, with the tinfoil hat off and the inspector cap on, how’s the game looking? If Kelce is out there playing like his life depends on it for Swift, then there’s a chance the Chiefs will return to Missouri with another dub. Although the Chief’s quarterback Patrick Mahomes is good, he isn’t TB12 good.

Wikipedia says the 49ers are favored to win by two points, and it’s never wrong. My high school history teacher used to work for the 49ers, so I’m rooting for them to win. Shoutout to Mr. Doc, hands down the goat of the 49ers and 8th-period U.S. History. Brock Purdy, who?

Then, there’s the commercials. I stopped watching the commercials after they stopped being funny. Last year, it was like watching TV at the dentist’s office. It’s not terrible, but you really just want it to be over.

Of course, you can’t talk about the Super Bowl without the halftime show. Who’s the headliner this year? Is it Zach Bryan? Pantera? Barry Manilow? Wrong, it’s Usher. I was hoping it’d be Olivia Rodrigo, to be honest.

I think having Swift perform would have been the biggest money grab in history. Nielsen ratings would be so high that their servers might catch fire. 

Who knows, maybe Kelce will propose to her if the Chiefs win. I can’t imagine busting out the ring after losing the biggest game of the year would end well.

They always pick the most random people to do the coin toss. I remember when they brought George H. W. Bush out for Super Bowl 51. I remember thinking, “Wow, they’ll bring anyone on to do this, huh?” I haven’t been brought on yet. Maybe the invitation got lost in the mail.

I hope the game doesn’t air too late. Nothing is worse than staying up until midnight on Sunday and waking up early on Monday with insurmountable regret and an empty bank account. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time that happened, I’d probably have to give it to my bookie.

Sports betting isn’t my thing. I prefer betting on how many times Andy Reid smiles during the game. It’s zero, even if the Chiefs win. I’ve got my entire college fund riding on whether or not the camera shows Swift more than five times in the first quarter. The NFL can’t let me down again.

Overall, it doesn’t matter to me how the game goes. It’ll end the same way — with me turning it off in the fourth quarter to watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” The show is in its final season, and I highly recommend watching it.