By William Staten The Jambar
The wait is over – college football has made its return. This year’s season kicked off Sept. 2 in the Air Koryo College Football Classic at Rungrado 1st of May Stadium in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea between Big Ten Conference opponents Purdue University and No. 4 Rutgers University.
Leader Kam Jong Uno opened negotiations with the NCAA to host a college football game in the capital city of Pyongyang, North Korea. Kam said that his long-lasting fandom of East Carolina University prompted the discussion.
“I have long believed that Lane Kiffin and the ECU Pirates faithfully embody the Juche idea,” Kam said in fluent English. “I do not believe that arbitrary restrictions should stop Johnny Manziel from returning to college football. He is one of the greatest to ever play.”
The Scarlet Knights recently inked a $20 million sponsorship deal with Enron Corporation,
which Rutgers Athletics Director Jeff Saturday said would be funneled towards new, modern athletic facilities for student-athletes.
“You know, we’ve got to take things to the next level here at Rutgers,” Saturday said in a press conference Aug. 29. “We’ve run independent studies, and we think that our new, high-tech facilities will drastically improve the lives and training processes of our players.”
Among the improvements is a driving simulator, which head coach Marx Dull said he hopes will improve the players’ off-the-field conduct.
“Every single player on our defense was handed a speeding ticket one weekend,” Dull said. “I had one police officer tell me that as a lifelong Rutgers fan, he was considering changing his allegiance to [New York University], and they don’t even have a football team!”
Purdue Boilermakers senior Ethan Ikusaba made the game-winning, two-point conversion to redshirt freshman Lil’Debbie Jordan to seal the 74-72 upset against Rutgers after an 11 overtime thriller.
Ikusaba, who transferred from the University of Utah for his eighth year of eligibility after a landmark Supreme Court case against the NCAA, said the opportunity to continue to make an impact is what motivates him to go the extra mile for his team.
“That was Jordan’s first career reception,” Ikusaba said. “Just seeing the joy in his eyes as he brought that catch in to secure this win was everything for me. I saw the fans in the stands too. They traveled all the way here from wherever Purdue’s located.”
Ball State University made history before the season when it hired Colorado State University inside linebackers coach Evelyn Sinclair as its new head coach, becoming the first female head coach in college football history.
Sinclair replaces former head coach John Ember, who was fired in the middle of last season after his arrest for spearheading a Ponzi scheme involving several Ball State coaches and players and the now-defunct GrandBet Sportsbook.
Ball State won its home opener against the University of Akron on Sept. 14 after a surprise blizzard delayed the kickoff by an hour. The Akron Zips looked to bounce back after a 70-13 loss to former rival Youngstown State University in a long-awaited rematch of the Steel Tire rivalry, last played in 1995.
The game between the Zips and Cardinals was briefly delayed during halftime after an enraged Akron fan set fire to the scoreboard as a response to Akron trailing 12-7. The act of arson coincided with halftime performer The Amazing Sladek’s Tower of Chairs act being canceled after a raccoon ran onto the field during setup.
Akron took the lead in the fourth quarter after an interception by Ball State senior Liljon Johnson Jr. was returned 99 yards for a touchdown by Akron sophomore Corn Fields. The extra point was not successful after the ball bounced off the goalposts.
With less than two minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, Ball State’s offense was stopped on its own 40-yard line. The Cardinals sent out senior Wyatt Quinn to punt the ball away, but Quinn, who had never played quarterback in his life, changed the play at the line of scrimmage.
After the ball was snapped by freshman Squilliam Sanders, Sanders broke free from three defenders to catch a wide-open, 60-yard touchdown thrown by Quinn to win the game.
In the postgame press conference, Sinclair said the true spirit of football was alive in the Mid-American Conference.
“Congratulations on your five-star recruits and $100 million dollar facilities, [Southeastern Conference] fans,” Sinclair said. “While all of you argue over which fraternity-funded dynasty is less fraudulent, the MAC is playing real football in front of 14 people and a raccoon on a Tuesday night during a blizzard.”
Sinclair continued by saying that Ball State’s unique plays are a hallmark of the MAC, and that teams from other conferences would not be able to compete on the same level.
“Have you ever seen a punter throw a touchdown to a long snapper while the scoreboard’s on fire? I don’t think so,” Sinclair said. “Other MAC teams are cooking up triple-reverse flea flickers in games that end 43-42 after six missed PATs and a goalpost getting stolen. You wouldn’t survive a quarter in the MAC.”
College football coverage continues with the Pat McAfee Pre-Game Show at 11 a.m., Sept. 26. The show recently replaced College GameDay at ESPN after organizational changes were made to the network.